Sometimes it is exactly what it seems…
We all think somehow our situation is different to everyone else who has been through the same and come out broken-hearted. We would probably be the first to tell our friend they should dump the jerkface they are dating but, when our friends give us that same encouragement we immediately justify how it’s different for us.
Remember that movie ‘He’s Just Not That Into You?’ It was fantastic for one reason…it was ruthlessly true. Most of us probably watched it and laughed out loud because of how shamelessly spot-on it was. Most of us also probably acted like Jenifer Goodwin straight after watching it and ignored all the signs in our own dating circumstances, thinking “oh yeah but it’s different for me because they said this…” NO! It is not different for you! Let’s get real here please… we ALL want to be the exception, but the worst thing you can do is believe you are.
Playing the ‘I’m the exception’ card only makes you rationalise all the toxic things about your partner and believe your toxic relationship is “normal” or okay. When really, you NEVER would have wanted to be treated this way. Acting like the exception and justifying the poor behaviour of someone else only reinforces their behaviour, because you won’t be going anywhere regardless.
I remember coaching a young girl and hearing about the mental abuse she was suffering from her boyfriend. May I be straight up about something sensitive?? Abuse is pre-meditated and manipulative, it is not love. Please STOP believing it is love. People are unwell and mentally ill, yes, but then they need to get help before they get into the relationship – that’s what a loving person would do.
Okay, back to the young girl…She was explaining to me the traits of her boyfriend and the dynamics of their relationship. It was not pleasant. She pleaded with me for what she should do. I asked her simply “is this the man of your dreams? The man you want to spend your life with and to be the father of your children?” She said, “Yes!” chocking back terrified tears. “Let me rephrase,” I said, “are the traits that he possesses and the way that he treats you what you’ve always dreamed of?” She replied with a NO to that question. Then how in the world can this be the man of her dreams?!! She never dreamed of being treated this way! She never dreamed of a loving relationship being poisonous and manipulative and abusive! Surely she never dreamed she would cower in fear and shrink with shame in the presence of her true love! NO! That is not the man of her dreams.
If you’re reading right now and relating to this then chances are the person you’re dating is not the person of your dreams either. And if you can recognise that, get the courage to make a change, NOW.
Stop wasting your time and your self-esteem on someone who does not deserve it. As each day passes you lose a little bit more of yourself to them. You are giving too much; and for what in return? Pain? Mingled with a few days or moments here and there that are nice? If you truly believe that is all you deserve, then please, you need to seek out help. There is no one in this world that deserves to have power over you, so stop giving it to them. Be strong enough to know you are not in love with them, you are simply filling a void.
On a lighter note now – if someone is interested in you, they will find a way to text you. Remember when you were crushing on someone and you’d take sneaky toilet breaks at work to message them? Or shut off the whole world to reply to them? Yeah, well that’s what keen people do! If you are waiting days or even hours between replies, and getting all anxious over it – have the sense to know people have their phone on them constantly, there’s no valid excuse. People rarely walk from one room to another without their phone these days. If you are scratching your nails on a blackboard waiting for a hint of interest then they are just NOT THAT into you. Have some self-respect.
If they have “commitment issues” or they are “just shy” or they are just trying to “play cool” or whatever excuses you are giving them – they are just NOT THAT into you. STOP IGNORING YOUR GUT! People only have commitment issues until they find the one they can’t be without. Of course people are shy, but people also put themselves out there for someone they like enough. Sure, some people are trying to “play the game” and act cool, but don’t you want a guy that is going to fall over his feet trying to get to you? Not someone who has his game so down-pat that he’s playing you and every other girl on his Tinder.
Ladies, when are we going to handle the truth? When are we going to have enough self-confidence to “keep on swiping” until we find the one who just won’t go anywhere (stalkers not included)? A man in love, and a man just even in “like” will come to you. Sure, give him the green light, a lil’ eyelash bat or an arm rub, but other than that… he will come to you.
If you’ve got anyone who you keep flip-flopping over whether or not to cut them loose….I will give you the answer…. CUT THE BUGGER LOOSE! Though it may feel like it sometimes there is no shortage of men. Move your sexy self on.
HayleyJuly 5, 2018 at 7:38 pm
Okay I’m addicted to reading these now haha.
These are posts I’d be happy having my daughter read some day. Thanks.
Jodie BroadbentJuly 6, 2018 at 11:01 am
I love this blog and have shared it on FB! So many people ‘settle’ for someone who doesn’t actually respect them! Great blog Jess, can’t wait to see what you do next! ❤️
Jodie BroadbentJuly 6, 2018 at 11:02 am
I agree Hayley! Such a great post Jess, thank you for your practical views xx