The evolution of a woman trying to grow into her self-confidence when dating often looks something like this…
* Unsure of her identity she attempts to imitate whatever characteristics she observes to be “attractive”
* As she’s yet to truly love herself she latches on to any attention received – confusing attention with respect
* She gets burned, heartbroken, or betrayed
* As a defence mechanism she tries to harden herself, turning off the vulnerability she mistakenly perceives as the cause of her pain
* She masquerades as an “independent woman who don’t need no man” but deeply (sometimes desperately) desires a partner
* Fumbling her way through dating, which has become more disappointing and deflating than fun and experimental, she’s exhausted by the “game”
* In an attempt to be open and transparent to avoid those games she blurts out everything on her mind – the second it enters her mind
* Baffled by why her honesty seems to scare away potential partners, she worries if she should once again hide her feelings and act like “the cool girl”
* Riddled with the anxiety pretending to be “the cool girl” causes her she once again becomes disillusioned or even angry at the dating process, and sometimes men/women in general
* Potentially she becomes aggressively outspoken, assuring herself that if a man can’t handle what she’s thinking then he can get going!
Is it any surprise so many people resent their single life?! When being single should be one of the greatest times of life. It’s a time you learn about yourself and understand traits which compliment you. It’s a time to work through your trauma’s and sabotages to project less of your inner pains on to another person. It’s time to explore, experiment, experience. It’s time to cultivate friendship and understand the important role non-romantic relationships have in your life. It’s a time to discover dreams and passions and to pursue paths that might be difficult to do so when you’re coordinating your goals with someone else’s. Most important though – it’s a time to find yourself.
Okay so here’s the truth.
Yes, being open and transparent is an empowering thing – it’s a way to honour and love yourself – but let’s clarify something… openness is NOT what’s turning people off. What’s really turning them off is that your total transparency is showing your insecurities.
You’re seeking (and sometimes demanding) things from someone else to make you feel more secure. You’re constantly probing them to say words that will make you feel better about yourself and the relationship. You want signs of commitment at inappropriate times so you can feel assured of where you stand. You’re drawing unreasonable boundaries or restrictions around what they can and can’t do (or sometimes even think) in order to feel safe in your vulnerability.
All of those things you are wanting to feel should come from YOU, not from someone else. When you learn how to create those feelings yourself you will still be open and transparent but, what you’re now showing is a woman in her power.
If confidence – which is true inner contentment of self – is the number one stimulator for attraction than insecurity is likely the number one deterrent.
It might sound harsh to read, especially because we ALL harbour insecurities, but its gotta be acknowledged if you want to get somewhere positive in your dating life.
Instead of being afraid to be too open or too honest with someone, recognise what your insecurities are and begin working on those – preferably before laying all the contents of your mind on the table.
And remember, you can’t fake it. If you’re pretending to be confident and trying to hide your insecurities, you are still giving off a vibe of insecurity which is subconsciously sensed by the other person. There’s simply no way around it my friends. If you want more success in dating, you MUST take a look inside and do some spring cleaning! Dust off the self-worth, polish the self-love, and brush up on taking ownership and accountability. And it’s the same for those of us already in relationships.
I spent many single years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and trying to find the VERY fine line between being open but not too open, relaxed but not too relaxed, guarded but not too guarded etc.… and that was too many years spent focused on what approach works rather than focusing on what I wanted.
You can try different dating strategies and all the “games” you like, but you’ll find little results if you’re not fine tuning the one thing that actually makes a difference… yourself.